What Is The Inner Child?
- Shreya Naropantula
- 6 hours ago
- 3 min read
Your inner child is a younger version of you holding on to important memories, emotional experiences and unmet needs from childhood. According to inner child theory, these younger versions of us can influence our adult thoughts, emotions and behaviors. Unresolved issues from these earlier years in our lives can show up in the form of emotional reactions, repeating patterns, insecure attachment styles and deep-seated beliefs that we hold about ourselves.
Our early years are formative. The messages we receive in these years shape the way we view the world and ourselves. As kids, we depend on our caregivers for our survival. We look to the adults in our lives to guide us, take care of us and keep us safe. We have physical needs, like food and shelter, but also emotional needs, like encouragement, understanding and a space to express our feelings. When any of these are not met, it can cause wounds that we carry with us throughout our lives.
Emotional Neglect
Emotional neglect is often one of the more overlooked childhood experiences, as it is mostly silent and invisible. People who have experienced this may find it difficult to point to anything having been wrong in their upbringing. Their caregivers could have been loving and well-intentioned, but still not emotionally responsive in the way a child needs. Emotional neglect can take the form of subtle experiences like not feeling heard, validated and comforted when going through difficult times.
When emotions are not talked about in the house, kids learn that their emotions are not important. When feelings are met with annoyance, punishment or ridicule, kids learn that it’s not safe to express themselves. When adults assume you are independent and self-sufficient, and don’t check in on you, you learn that your feelings might be a burden. As an adult, you might still carry these internalized messages, and hold beliefs like “my feelings don’t matter” or “I am unworthy of love and attention”.
How to know if you have a wounded inner child?
Unhealed inner child wounds can show up in adulthood through emotional reactions and behaviors that can feel disproportionate to the situation at hand. An experience that triggers similar feelings to what wounded you can take you back to that time in your life, and you react with a hurt that goes deeper than the current situation. You might also feel the same age as you were when the hurt initially occurred. Your reaction, then, is coming from a you that might’ve been 6 or 8 or 12 years old.
Some common signs of unhealed childhood wounds include:
An intense fear of abandonment or rejection
Conflict avoidance
Difficulty upholding boundaries
People pleasing
Putting your own needs last
Difficulty voicing own feelings
Difficulty dealing with criticism
Constant need for approval and reassurance
Being distrustful of other people
How to heal your inner child
The first step to healing your inner child is being able to view yourself with compassion and recognize that you were just a child in need of love, safety and protection. The emotional reactions you’re having now are not “irrational”, but coming from a vulnerable part of you that still needs those things, but didn’t receive them.
Psychotherapy and meditation are ways to give space to this younger version of yourself and help them express and process their feelings, now when it’s safe. Reparenting is also a big part of healing, and steps to reparent yourself can look like:
Acknowledging and connecting with the child inside you. You can try to unearth as many details as you can about what you did, where you spent your time, what you enjoyed and what you were like - you can also speak to people who knew you back then and look at old photographs of yourself.
Communicating with your inner child. This can be through journaling, meditation, or trying to visualize your inner child in your mind’s eye. Allow their feelings to come up without judging them. You can try to ask them questions like:
What is going on right now?
What are they feeling?
How can you support them?
What do they need?
Giving your inner child what they need most. This can be comfort, like holding their hand, hugging them, allowing them to cry, stroking their hair, telling them they’ll be okay. It can also be validating their feelings, and giving them unconditional love. In this moment, you are the loving parent that your younger self needed.
By acknowledging and giving room to your inner child and their feelings, you create room for healing and self-connection. When you listen with compassion to the parts of you that felt unseen and unheard, you begin to reprogram your mind - teaching it that safety, love, and acceptance are possible, and building a greater sense of trust in yourself.
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